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Isa 'to sa mga lesson na natutunan ko sa therapist. For the longest time, lagi akong pinangungunahan ng idea na kailangang "meaningful" at may "audience impact" kapag nagsusulat ako. I guess somewhere along the journey, natransform siya into that noong sinubukan kong magsulat for a living (na matagal ko nang iniwan by the way hahaha). Siyempre open to criticism yung output. Kapag deemed siya as pangit or for revision (LOL), medyo nagdaramdam ako. Hindi masama to have your hobby as a profession pero it's completely valid din to keep your passions separate and intimate. As I write this now, I'm trying to teach myself that I'm doing this for me and not for anyone else. Nakakatawa na something this simple and obvious took me years to actually realize!

I plan to write more about the few sessions that I've had and share some things I discovered/rediscovered about myself. Siguro una na diyan na people-pleaser pala ako! The best? That was the first time that I verbalized and sort of acknowledge that remark I received before. In denial pa ako pero the fact that I carry it as a baggage and wanting to challenge it only proves na oo nga 'no, bakit kailangang may patunayan all the time? A lot of times I unknowingly seek validation from others. Best in self-neglect ako and when I cannot do it anymore, I still think kung ano pa rin yung iniisip ng iba so spiraling malala. Sabi ng therapist, it's not always bad to be selfish. Think of it as if you're looking after yourself. May point si mum, 'di ba?

Wala na akong masabi but also hindi naman din natin kailangan ng kwento all the time. Ang lesson nga ay to just be. So go, mga bhie.

Kung puwede ko lang i-detalye mga nangyari sa nakaraang mga buwan, baka maging pang MMK/Tulfo ang post na ito. Sabihin na lang natin na I fell off the face of the earth at medyo ~challenging~ to crawl back. May sense ba 'yon? Siguro ang takeaway na lang natin sa lahat ng ito ay...buhay pa naman sequioa.

I probably shouldn't have made this blog live again. May deadline pa akong nalalaman for this, di ko rin pala masusunod. Haha. Sa mga nakatisod nitong blog na ito (apparently most of them ay naghahanap ng "bcwmh" content), pasensya na agad. Updating this site is not my priority right now so habang wala pa, sana ay steady lang kayo. Also, sana ay mabakunahan na kayo at makapagparehistro bilang botante. Hanggang sa muli!

Ilang taon na rin akong natigil sa pagsusulat ng ganito. Ewan, lagi kong sinasabing ayokong magsulat bilang trabaho kasi gusto kong tingnan ang pagsusulat bilang hobby at outlet ng nararamdaman. Pero sa dami ng naging ganap ko sa buhay, laging may written na component kumbaga. May dilemma, tipong…hala, I flunked some of my writing subjects, scam ba yung pagiging content writer ko dati, ang daming revisions ng gawa ko ngayon, baka lalo pang majustify dito kung bakit? Hahaha! Puwede naman akong makinig na lang sa Blackpink (among other things)?

Also, ano bang balita guys? In pa ba ang blogging sa 2020? Parang kailangan ko na yata maglevel up as a vlogger? Gusto niyo ba yung ASMR tapos magrarant lang ako kung gaano kabasura yung 2020? *whispers* Charot!

Speaking of basura, seryosong conflicted ako kung ano ba ang content na dapat kong ilagay sa internet. Ang lakas ng pakiramdam kong hindi talaga ito ang galawan ng mga nasa late 20s, e. Hahaha!

Anyway, obvious na sigurong my relationship with writing has been complicated. Pero baka totoo yung sinasabi nilang first love never dies. Kaya ito na naman ako. Subukan ulit natin.

Kung ano ang magiging direction ng incarnation ng blog na ‘to hindi ko pa sigurado pero salamat if you have been (or decide to be) with me in this journey.